Signs Your Body May Be Invaded by Aliens

You start experiencing crotch circles.
You have an overwhelming urge to drunk dial Stephen Hawking.
Pick-up lines often include, "I can flick my tongue in warp speed."
You keep listing Area 51 as your home address on job applications.
You have Whitley Strieber on speed dial.
You're aroused by the Hubble space telescope.
You have an extraterrestrial friends list on your Facebook page.
You filed flying saucer designs with your local planning commission.
You have Princess Leia tattooed on your naughty bits.
The phrase "take me to your leader" arises unexpectedly during daily conversation.
You never heard of the Kardashians.
You insist a Happy Meal should include Alderaan Ale.
You claim you saw little green men, followed by men in black, leading to men in white coats with a large net.
You name your first born Wormhole.
Your satellite dish gets 327,453 channels and six dimensions.
All photos of yourself appear in Grayscale.
You keep making illegal elliptical turns in traffic.
Your favorite movie is "Space Jam."

A Glimpse Into the Future

The first thought that comes to mind is what we'll look like thousands of years into the future. The images of our ancestors reveal the evolution of our physical being, from our bristly beginnings that would have Chewbacca green with envy, to our current epilating culture that shuns our hairy past. Now, will we shed most of our protective hair, leaving us with just a trace of downy strands like a newborn?  Or will we still have a foothold into our genetic past, the body still covered with a dense layer of hair that would make Robin Williams say, "Damn, that's furry." Will we have enough hair so it can be arranged  into an array of styles that reflect the times, perhaps a cosmic comb over?


What will it be? Something like these two blokes who've retained their hirsute past, or a smooth   Now, with these guys eyebrows, I'm thinking a little too heavy on the volumizer.

Holy Pigmentation, Batman

The axiom that truth is stranger than fiction is certainly applicable when considering the case of Patricia Krentcil (left) who was recently charged with child endangerment after allegedly taking her 5-year-old tanning which resulted in burns. Her leathery face, bronzed to the likeness of a museum exhibit, immediately prompted the image of Magda, the neighbor from "There's Something About Mary."  I thought that character was too extreme to hold any currency in the real world, but she actually pales in comparison to Ms. Krentcil whose affinity for the tanning booth borders on a personality disorder. I'm guessing she logs like 100 hours a week under those lights. Running around looking like a minstrel singer is puzzling to say the least. Maybe she believes it's just a healthy glow, but her need to keep subjecting her skin to that harsh, damaging light reflects something amiss, a genetic mutation impeding common sense. I've seen corpses with better skin. Wouldn't you think someone at the tanning place would have cut her off, like a drunk at a bar who's had too many? Seriously, even the cast from Jersey Shore are saying WTF.