LESSER KNOWN ABRAHAMIC COVENANTS

As events unfold in the Middle East, the prospect of war looms large in the birthplace of the three Abrahamic religions. It seems his children are misbehaving again, hurling taunts and accusations, talking behind each other's backs, and making threats.  They're not happy unless they're on the verge of mutual annihilation.  Don't they know they should never covet thy neighbor's weapons of mass destruction.  I believe that was uttered in Deuteronomy when David was tinkering with a five-chambered slingshot.

Now, even many biblical scholars are unfamiliar with some of these covenants. They have remained in the shadow of scripture. They encompass a wide range of topics, from dietary laws to investing in camel futures.Some of these are as follows:

1. Your land will be a desert from which will spring huge blowout sales.
2. The fruit of thy loins shall be called blessed and a tax write-off.
3. And into the land of Bling I will bring you. Word to Your Maker.
4. When a boy child is five days old, he is to be fitted with mohair swaddling clothes from Murray the Tailor. 
5. Thy name will be great among Nations and theatrical agents.
6. Never send back the Kouzi at Ishmael's House of Hummus.
7. What?  Sometimes it takes roaming forty years in the wilderness to find good Chinese takeout.
8. Unto your seed, and your seed's seed, minus your seeds on the side through infidelity, or seeds seeded through a surrogate, not to mention any leftover seeds from any past transgressions, or seeds swapped via snowballing, I will make exceedingly seedfull.
9. I will lift you out of bondage and into the hands of a good plastic surgeon.
10. Instead of beseeching me through prayer, please refer to my FAQ section at your local house of worship.